Make Your Own Astronaut Contraption
As we all now know, astronaut Lisa Nowak brought the following items with her on her 900-mile trek to Orlando:
steel mallet
buck knife with four-inch blade
BB gun
map
six latex gloves
wig
trench coat
pepper spray
adult diapers
at least three feet of rubber tubing
several large garbage bags
As reported in Astronaut charged with attempted murder, Conta Costa Times, February 7, 2007.
Our better mousetrap [Greta Pemberton and Sam Gale Rosen]
We’d love to know exactly what her plans involved, but so far she’s not talking. So instead we’re asking you to put on your thinking helmets — Apollo 13 style — and decide what you could make with this collection of objects. A makeshift air filter? A better mousetrap? Post ideas and explanations below; if you’re particularly industrious, you can send us a photo of your creation. Remember, you can put together almost anything if you have the right stuff.
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February 8th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
I have to recuse myself from this exercise as I am awaiting a patent decision.
February 8th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
Well obviously our astronaut friend is the newly elected mayor of crazy town and planning a wonderful ‘mysterious island’ style escape from a civil war prison camp.
The large garbage bags were to be weaved together with rubber tubing to form a giant air bladder which would be inflated with hot gas–produced by a spark from the firing mechanism of the BB gun held into the aerosol stream of the activated pepper spray canister.
Attaching her balloon to the cloth loops of her trench coat, the cosmonaut has effectively created a personal atmospheric flotation device. She could then navigate by map across boarders, oceans, mountains, dangerous mountain lions, vampires and saber tooth missionaries.
Despite her offensive capabilities such as: steel mallet, knife, BB gun, and biological weapons (read: expended adult diaper bombs) she was still vulnerable to attack by pterodactyl. Thats where the disguise came it handy. Using the wig, she was able to rig a very crude fake beard and mustache. No two pterodactyls are as stupid however so she would need a secret-reserve back up plan… You guessed it: six latex gloves that she could quickly inflate to sexually humiliate flying aggressors.
Had her plans not been downtrodden, she would have experienced a freedom on a level with Mongolian sky gods.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
February 8th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Perhaps she was going to a costume party with OJ Simpson. She seems to have some of the same items with her that OJ had in the Bronco.
February 8th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
The comedy of ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ was that the astronaut played by Larry Hagman was constantly being watched by an ever present NASA psychiatrist. Was NASA cutting corners on psych evaluation (think ceramic tiles instead of titanium, the disastrous Morton-Thiokol o-rings)?
As for Lisa Nowak’s kit, anyone who’s seen ‘Sin City’ would recognize that the rubber tubing was probably to apply torniquets to the victim, the numerous garbage bags, to dispose of the dismembered body and the mallet to crush large bones: pretty gruesome, but the most likely reason for her arrest and the charge of attempted murder.
February 8th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
I’m not sure, but it sounds like one heck of a valentine’s day surprise.
February 9th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Do I have to tell you everything?
Obviously the BB gun is to shoot the guy, if that doesn’t work then, spray him with pepper spray, if that doesn’t work, then whack him with the rubber tubing, if that doesn’t work try throttling him with the tubing, failing that, whack him with the steel mallet, no good? stab him with the buck knife, still standing? bag him with the garbage bags. What eh? Still afoot? muffle him with the diapers, trenchcoat, wig and map. If all else fails, pull the latex gloves over his head.
Sheesh. You guys ain’t so bright as you seems.
February 9th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Analyzing the list I would say she was on her way to a porno shoot in the jungle.
February 9th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Ok. You’re trapped on a deserted space station, but can only keep one of the following items……..
February 9th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
How long does it take to get from Houston to Orlando? It Depends.
February 20th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Depends®